Skulduggery Pleasant Spoof: The Stupidity of Tanith Low
by ValkyrieCain4Ever
Summary: These are just bunch of stupid things Tanith has done/attempted in her spare time. Please review! Also, do not do these things at home.
1. Chapter 1: The Wall of Death

"Hey Tanith what- holy crap." Valkyrie stood gawking at the giant coliseum like thing blotting out the sun with a figure waving their arms frantically on top.

"HI VAL, LIKE MY WALL OF DEATH!?" Tanith yelled.

"Your wall of _what?"_

"DEATH!"

Valkyrie quickly scrambled up the side of the 'Wall of Death' and stood next to her beaming friend as they gazed into the center of the Wall of Death.

"What _is _this?" Valkyrie asked finally.

"It's my Wall of Death."

"Yeah, I know that, just what _is _it?"

"It's my new motor bike course."

"Really?"

"Yep."

Valkyrie cocked her head and looked in at the giant bowl made out of large things stacked together with planks of wood nailed to them. Tanith's black motorbike sat in the very center, leaning on its kickstand.

"So, what are you planning to do exactly?" Valkyrie said slowly, not taking her eyes of the bike and, honestly, wondering if Tanith had finally snapped.

"I," Tanith said. "Am going to defy the laws of gravity and physics by riding my motor bike on the sides of the Wall of Death, there by proving Thomas Edison that people _can_ use old plywood as an experiment."

Valkyrie gawked. Then she shut her jaw and gently patted Tanith on the shoulder. "Okay Tanith, maybe you need to have a lesson or two on history."

"What are you talking about? I know my trigonometry."

Valkyrie face-palmed. "Well, okay. Are you sure it's safe?"

Tanith laughed. "Of course not! That's what makes it fun! Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to ride some walls."

She took a step and tumbled off the edge, rolling down the sides of the inside of the bowl and landing next to her bike. She gave a thumbs up. "I'm alright!"

Valkyrie sighed and sat down. May as well get comfortable while she watched her friend commit suicide.

Tanith sat down on her bike, started it up, kicked back the kick-stand then began to ride in large circles, steadily working her way up the wall. When she reached about half-way up the wall though, the bike began to tilt downward.

Luckily Tanith bailed just in time so that she wasn't crushed by the bike as it went tumbling back to the center of the Wall of Death.

Valkyrie leaned forward, suddenly worried. And then Tanith sat up, a huge grin on her face.

"THAT WAS AWESOME!"

Valkyrie face-palmed.

Eventually, after seven broken bones and many visits to Nye, Tanith Low conquered the Wall of Death and proved Thomas Edison wrong that she _could _use old plywood as an experiment.

**Please review! Also, I will take requests for something stupid Tanith should do, just put it in your comment or PM me! And one more thing, I don't own the Skulduggery Pleasant series and I do get some of my ideas from TV so if you watch a show and think 'hey that sounds like that one story I read online' it might be because I got the idea from that show, so please don't get mad at me for stealing an idea from a show!**


	2. Chapter 2: Tanith Einstein

**Okay, this is a request from Anonymous Miki!**

"Hey, what do you guys think my IQ is?" Tanith asked Valkyrie, Skulduggery, Ghastly, China and Fletcher as they sat in China's library, waiting for the pizza to arrive.

"You're stupid," China said simply.

Tanith glared. "Shut up China, your opinion doesn't matter. What about you guys?"

"I have to agree with China here," Skulduggery said as he looked at a bookshelf.

"Me too," Valkyrie remarked, lounging in a chair at a table with Fletcher and Ghastly.

"Yep, sorry Tanith, even Fletcher thinks so." Ghastly said.

Fletcher nodded excitedly. "Yeah, just last night I said that you probably have the intelligence level of a walnut."

Tanith gaped. "What are you talking about? I'm not stupid, plus that's not even an IQ."

China gave a delicate shrug. "'Stupid' is though, I know that because-"

"That's your IQ level?" Tanith asked hopefully.

China gave her an icy glare. "No," she said slowly. "Because Scapegrace asked me to help him set up an IQ test for him and that was his score."

"But that's _Scapegrace _I can't have the same IQ as _Scapegrace_."

"Too bad."

Tanith glared then stomped off.

"Pizza's here." Said the pizza delivery guy as Tanith stormed past.

"DON'T CARE!" She took the pizza and smashed it in his face.

When Tanith got home, also known as Skulduggery's house cause she was broke and now lived at Skulduggery's while she stayed in Ireland, she slammed the door, flung herself onto the couch and screamed her anger into a pillow.

Then she stopped, she popped her head up. "I have an idea!"

She ran upstairs to Valkyrie's room and dug out the laptop then signed onto an IQ testing sight. "This'll show everyone, I'll take this test and when I get an amazing score they'll see that I _am _as smart as a hamster."

Two Hours Later…

"STUPID!?" Tanith hurled the laptop at the wall where it shattered on impact. She crossed her arms and looked like a spoiled four-year old who wasn't getting what she wanted. "Stupid laptop, you're the one who's stupid."

Then she got another idea. Tanith leaped up and pumped her fist in the air. "I know, I'll count out Pi and prove China and the internet wrong!"

Three Hours Later…..

"So Skulduggery, what do you really think Tanith's IQ is?" Valkyrie asked as they turned onto Cemetery Road.

"Hmm, I think- MY HOUSE!"

"Your house?"

"No, MY HOUSE!" Skulduggery pointed at his house that now didn't have a roof. Or a kitchen.

They parked the Bentley and ran into the house. They found Tanith in what remained of the kitchen, wearing a now-gray kitchen apron.

"Tanith! What happened!" Valkyrie cried as Skulduggery ran off to go make sure that his hats hadn't been harmed in the explosion.

"I was trying to prove China and the internet wrong about my IQ by counting out Pi."

Valkyrie blinked, astonished by her friend's stupidity. She had known that Tanith hadn't been the brightest but she hadn't known that she was THAT stupid. "What do you mean, counting 'Pi?'"

"I mean, counting out how many pies I can."

Valkyrie face-palmed. "Tanith, you do realize that there are two 'pies' right?"

Tanith beamed. "Of course I do!" She pointed at two little burnt rubble pieces. "See, blueberry and raspberry! I _was _making another but the oven blew up."

Valkyrie frowned. "What caused the oven to blow up?"

"I got sick of waiting two hours for each pie to bake so I cranked the temperature up to 450 degrees."

Valkyrie stared, too stunned by the stupidity involved.

Skulduggery ran up. "Good news," he said. "My hats are okay."

Valkyrie face-palmed and Tanith began to fiddle with the oven again. "Hey, do you think the oven still works after being blown up?"

**Still taking requests! Please comment!**


	3. Chapter 3: The Cinnamon Challenge

Tanith happily hummed as she walked into Skulduggery's kitchen. She went over to a cupboard and began rummaging through it, putting things onto the counter. She finally found what she wanted and took off the top and pulled out a ladle.

Yesterday, Valkyrie had told her about the 'Cinnamon Challenge' where you take a ladleful of cinnamon and breathe it in. But what poor, stupid, Tanith didn't know, was that she had heard it wrong and that the dare was to _eat _a _spoonful _of cinnamon. But Tanith didn't know that.

She then took the giant container of cinnamon and poured it into the ladle until it was completely filled. Then she took it, put it up to her face and breathed it in.

"HAAKHAAKHAAKHAAKHAAKHAAK!"

A cloud of cinnamon went up and Tanith began to stumble blindly around the kitchen, her arms pin wheeling wildly as she frantically grabbed for something to hold onto. She fell to her knees, still coughing, her hair in her face and her lungs burning. Tanith crawled out into the hallway and into the living room.

Finally after a few more minutes of coughing and hacking, the last of the cinnamon was gone, she looked up into the camera, held by a laughing Valkyrie, pointed at her.

"You're posting this online aren't you?"

"Yep."

**Sorry this one's so short, I'll try to make the next one longer. Please review and I am taking requests!**


	4. Chapter 4: Lucky Charms

Tanith grinned evilly as she carried the 'family box' of Lucky Charms around Skulduggery's house, throwing the cereal as she went. The reason for this oddness was that Tanith wanted to capture Lucky the Leprechaun and steal his gold. Also she didn't want him to infect everyone with Leprosy.

"Here Lucky, Lucky, Lucky. Here Lucky." Tanith called out as she threw more cereal down the hallway. She had covered almost the entire house and had gone through twenty boxes, each step making a loud "CRUNCH!" sound as she turned the cereal on the floor to powder.

Tanith got to the living room where the front door was right when Skulduggery opened the door.

He cocked his head as he took in the scene before him. Tanith, cereal and all.

"Tanith," he eventually said. "What are you doing?"

Tanith smiled happily. "Oh, I'm trying to capture Lucky the Leprechaun to get his gold and to make sure that he doesn't spread Leprosy by using the Lucky Charms charms as bait!"

"Why?"

"Because the commercial said that he always comes to get the marshmallow charms."

"Commercials lie. And leprechauns don't spread Leprosy. "

"Oh." Tanith looked down at the cereal covered floor. "What should I do with the cereal then?"

"Get rid of it."

"Okay."

The Next Day…

"Morning Tanith! Morning Skulduggery!" Valkyrie said brightly as she ran down the stairs into the kitchen to find a bowl of cereal all ready for her.

"Oh! Lucky Charms!" Valkyrie grabbed the spoon and ate a big bite.

Skulduggery peered over the newspaper he was reading at the table to look at Valkyrie. "Tanith?" He said.

"Yeah?" Tanith looked up from the fridge.

"When I said to 'get rid of it' I hope you didn't put the cereal back in the box and then feed it to Valkyrie."

Valkyrie froze, spoon halfway to her mouth. "I'm eating…. Floor cereal?"

"Yep!" Tanith beamed.

Skulduggery sighed and Valkyrie ran as fast as she could to the bathroom.

**I wrote this while eating knock-off Lucky Charms cereal. Tastes the same and turns the milk the same purplish color! Yeah Marshmallow Mateys! Review!**


	5. Chapter 5: Destroy!

Tanith cackled evilly as she carried the large box of objects outside where a washing machine and a dryer sat out on Skulduggery's lawn, waiting to be destroyed.

She put the box of weapons on the ground and picked up the extension cord and pulled it up to the house and plugged it in.

"Washing machine, prepare to meet your maker." Tanith grabbed the first weapon, a lawn gnome, out of her box then walked over to the open washing machine. "Hasta la vista Gnomie," and chucked it in.

The gnome flew into the washing machine with a loud CRASH!

Tanith picked up her clipboard and began to scribble notes down on what was happening.

Following the loud CRASH the washing machine began to shake wildly, the top popped off and it tipped on its side and rolled down to the street.

"Lawn gnome causes washer to roll into street," Tanith said to herself as she scribbled notes onto her clipboard.

She then reached into the box and pulled out a bowling ball, plugged the extension cord into the dryer and started it up. She happily chucked the bowling ball into the dryer and stepped back to watch the show.

The dryer, like the washer, began vibrating like crazy then the entire thing imploded.

Tanith nodded, all scientificy and scribbled down 'bowling ball makes dryer explode' as bits of dryer and bowling ball rained down on her. She brushed a piece of metal from her shoulder and wrote 'also affects weather by turning rain to bits of metal and bowling ball.'

Tanith experimented on a few other dryers and washers, having ordered and paid for them yesterday using Skulduggery's credit card, throwing different objects into the appliances, all having about the same effect on them.

Finally, the experiments were done and she compared the notes with each other. "Yes!" She cheered and did a happy dance among the bits of dryers and washers and objects that Tanith had used in her 'experiment.'

Skulduggery pulled up at that moment with Valkyrie and they got out of the Bentley and stood in silence as they observed the scene of Tanith wearing a white lab coat, holding a clipboard and cheering while dancing amongst bits of rubble.

"Tanith," Valkyrie finally said. "What are you doing?"

Tanith turned to them, a giant grin on her face. "Oh, hi guys! Just doing an experiment on some washing machines and dryers is all."

"Why?" Skulduggery asked cautiously.

"I wanted to see what would happen to them when I threw random objects in them."

There was a loud "SMACK!" sound as Valkyrie and Skulduggery's hands met their faces.

"Tanith," Skulduggery said slowly. "That is not really an experiment, it's just you being stupid and destructive."

"Oh."

She looked down at the rubble. "But I took notes."

"Yes, with a crayon and you wrote on the clipboard itself, you didn't use paper."

"I thought it came with paper."

Valkyrie frowned. "How could you not know? You couldn't see any with it."

"I thought it was invisible."

Skulduggery sighed and Valkyrie looked at the bits of metal. "How many dryers and washers did you use?"

"Fifty."

"Where'd you get the money?" Skulduggery asked. "If you had so much, surely you could afford to get your own apartment and move out of my house."

"Your credit card."

Silence.

"Tanith," Skulduggery said finally. "You are now banned from doing experiments of any kind in, outside or within a three mile radius of my house. Forever."

**Okay guys, I'm going on vacation tomorrow morning to go to my Grandpa's cabin for a week so don't expect any updates for at least seven days but I am hoping that my parents will let me take my laptop so that I can try to get some chapters up for you guys! Oh, and for my fellow Americans, HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!**


	6. Chapter 6: Diary

Tanith wandered around Skulduggery's house, bored out of her mind and wondering what she could do to fight the boredom off.

She wandered into a room and saw a bunch of bookshelves. 'Hmm…. Maybe Skulduggery's has a secret room hidden behind one of those bookcases!'

Excited at the thought, she raced over and began to happily pull random books off the first bookcase, throwing them behind her. A huge grin pasted across her face.

Tanith grabbed another book and was about to throw it when the title caught her eye. She looked at it and stared. The word 'Diary' had been scribbled out and had 'Journal' written above it.

'Skulduggery has a diary?' Tanith's grin widened and she plopped onto a pile of books behind her and began to read.

_Entry one:_

_Dear Journal,_

_Today Valkyrie and Tanith washed the Bentley. It did not go well. Apparently, Tanith thought that 'washing the car' also meant scrubbing the inside too so I had to open up ALL the doors and the trunk so that my precious didn't mildew. Also she decided that the soap wasn't enough so she was scrubbing it with bleach._

_My poor baby was traumatized._

Tanith gawked. 'Skuldugegry has a diary!' An evil grin spread across her face as she thought of all the beautiful things she could do with it.

'What should I do?'

Finally she decided to read some more and find out as much dirt as she could on Skulduggery then use it to blackmail him into doing whatever she wanted him to do.

So she continued reading.

_I went to the Sanctuary with Valkyrie to go see Ghastly and Ravel since we were extremely bored and had nothing to do._

_We found them sitting on their thrones, Ravel had a gigantic bowl of popcorn on his lap and was laughing at Tipstaff as he was hit in the groin by a stray kickball kicked by a Cleaver. Ravel was letting the Cleavers play kickball now and was obviously very proud of himself for issuing that order without anyone else's say._

_Madame Mist wasn't happy about it and Ghastly just didn't care but I think Tipstaff hates it most of all, especially since he's the one getting hit by all of the balls that go astray._

_And even though the Cleavers don't talk I don't think they're sorry for hitting him._

_Entry two:_

_I took Valkyrie to school today and I really wish I didn't. First off, I am bored to dying for a second time and I also know that as soon as that school bell rings, Valkyrie will be looking for revenge._

_So that is why I am trying to make some armor out of pillows. Also I'm really scared because I have to pick her up from school so I am terrified of what she will do to me when she sees me. I tried to get China or Tanith to pick her up but Tanith said that her motorbike is getting repaired and China said that she was too busy and Ghastly and Ravel couldn't cause of Elder stuff._

_I really hope she doesn't murder me. She can be kind of scary when she wants to. Got to go. Wish me luck. And hope my head doesn't end up under the Bentley's tire, or any tire._

Tanith continued to read, so into it that she didn't hear Skulduggery come home.

He stopped in the doorway and stared.

"Tanith," he said. "What are you doing?"

Tanith jerked her head up and looked at him. "You're in love with the Bentley?"

Skulduggery started to sputter and move his head back and forth like he was looking for something, "N-no!" he said indignantly and crossing his arms.

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do, it says so right here on this paper booklet."

"You mean my Journal that said 'NO ONE BUT SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT CAN READ,' right on the front page?"

"Yeah, if that's what it is."

"It is, now put the book down and clean this up."

"But-"

"Now."

Tanith sighed and hung her head, "Okay."

"Good."

Skulduggery went to the Sanctuary to get his next case, leaving Tanith alone. With his journal.

This was not a smart idea.

A couple hours later, Skulduggery came back to the sounds of fire. Alarmed, he ran into his house to find Tanith sitting cross-legged on his living room floor, with a small fire in front of her.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

The stupid blond looked up at Skulduggery, "Hi Skulduggery! I got cold so I decided to make a fire."

"With _what?"_

Tanith reached over to a giant pile of his books and grabbed one; she tossed it into the fire then picked up a roasting stick with marshmallows on them. "I'm making smores, want some?"

Skulduggery just stared, "Tanith," he said eventually. "I am going to do two things. One, I will put out the fire and salvage any books that are salvageable. Two, I am locking my books away in a place you would never find them."

"But that's three things. I know because I learned how to count in science class when we were studying the alphabet."

Skulduggery shook his head, "I'm also enrolling you in a class not to be stupid."

"But I'm not stupid; I know how to make a fire out of your books."

"How'd you do that then?"

"I had Valkyrie make one."

Skulduggery went to the door.

"Where are you going?" Tanith called.

"To kill Valkyrie."

"Oh okay then, have fun!"


	7. Chapter 7: To the Sun!

Tanith had a huge grin on her face as she carried the box of supplies for her new project and dropped them on the ground. She sat down cross-legged and began to happily lay the things out on the ground. Soon everything was laid out around her and she began to put things together. Because Tanith Low had an idea. She was going to be the first person on the sun.

She quickly tied one end of the elastic to one stake then the other to the second stake. Tanith picked up one of them and pounded it into the ground using a sledgehammer. Once it was secure she pulled the other away from it until the elastic was taunt and hammered that one into the ground.

After that was all set up she stood back to admire her work, two stakes about three yards apart with a giant band of elastic attaching them. She pulled out her phone.

"Hey Val," Tanith said when her friend answered. "Come over to your house, I want you to see it in action."

Soon Valkyrie, China and Skulduggery were standing in Valkyrie's backyard, looking quizzically at the contraption set up.

Valkyrie was extremely worried about what her friend was doing in her backyard. The last thing she had done had ended Skulduggery up with a ten-thousand dollar bill for fifty washers and dryer. He ended up taking money out of Valkyrie's piggy bank to pay it off. Luckily her parents were out shopping and were going to be gone the entire day so all Valkyrie had to worry about was if her parents would come home to a house or not.

"Hello everyone and welcome to one of the biggest moments in history," Tanith said happily. She had a big grin on her face.

"And please tell me," China said smoothly, "what exactly we are doing here."

"You," Tanith said. "Are here to witness the first person to ever walk on the sun."

Silence.

"Tanith," Skulduggery finally said. "Please tell me that you are not planning on using that crudely made slingshot to shoot yourself to the sun and become the first person to ever walk on the sun."

Tanith stared. "Wow," she said in awe. "You're psychic."

"No, I am just stating what I am observing now where would you even _get _the idea to do this?"

"Cartoons."

Skulduggery nodded. "That explains it."

Valkyrie sighed in relief. At least her house wasn't in danger of being blown up.

"Now," Tanith said. "Prepare to be amazed." She went over and positioned herself in the slingshot then leaned back. She continued to walk backwards until she couldn't move any farther.

She waved at her friends. "Bye! See you on Arbor Day!"

Then she let go.

Dusk was out taking a walk. He was bored of sitting inside his house all day so he had decided to go and do something other than watch TV. Suddenly he heard a loud squeal and then the next thing he knew he was on the ground, something on his back, holding him down.

"YES! I DID IT! I TOUCHED THE SUN!" A voice cheered.

Dusk immediately recognized the voice and became confused about what she was doing sitting on him.

"Hey, I wonder what I landed on." Tanith Low said and poked him.

"You landed on me," Dusk said.

"Oh, hi Dusk!" She said cheerfully then climbed off him.

He stood up and brushed himself off then looked at her. "I'm not even going to ask," he said and walked away.

"Okay! Bye Dusk, thanks for letting me land on you!" Tanith waved.

Maybe staying inside watching TV wasn't such a bad idea, Dusk decided. Yes, inside you didn't have stupid Englishwomen using you as a landing pad.

Valkyrie, Skulduggery and China hurried over to Tanith who was in the middle of a victory dance.

"Tanith," Valkyrie said. "Are you okay?"

She turned, a big smile on her face. "Hey guys! Guess what, I did it! I touched the sun!"

"Are you okay though? Where did you land?"

"Oh, Dusk was nice enough to let me land on him."

"Dusk?" China asked.

"Yeah! He was right here and didn't even move when I landed on him, he's so nice."

"We _are_ talking about the vampire Dusk, who had been trying to kill me for like three years right?" Valkyrie asked. "Not some other, normal guy named Dusk?"

Tanith nodded.

"And, he didn't kill you?"

"Nope!"

"Wow."

"So, you touched the Sun," Skulduggery said slowly.

"Yeah! It was awesome! It didn't even burn me! But I did get a mouthful of cloud."

Skulduggery, Valkyrie and China just sighed and shook their heads.

"Oh Tanith," Valkyrie said. "I think you need to take a class on Astrology."

**Yeah I know the last chapter was kind of bad but I really wanted to get another one posted before I left so I might redo it. I am getting so bit up by the mosquitos, I wake up every night scratching myself and I've been forced to get out of bed at EIGHT IN THE MORNING because of the stupid mosquitos buzzing in my ears. Other wise it's awesome up here, warm and the water is AWESOME! And I got to bring my laptop and get Wi-fi at a restaurant so I am posting another chapter or two. Yay!**


	8. Chapter 8: Tanith Yo-Yo

Tanith squealed in excitement and ran to cliff edge. Peering over she stared at the eight-hundred foot drop to the bottom of the canyon. She thought about how if this went wrong she could end up skewered by the giant rocks sticking up from the bottom. This was going to be awesome!

She raced off and grabbed the thing of elastic she had used to shoot herself to the sun with the other day and hammered a stake through it and into the ground at the edge of the cliff. Then she tied the other end around her middle.

"There."

Tanith peered over the cliff again, getting her adrenaline pumping. And jumped.

"Woo-hoo!" She yelled as she free fell to the bottom. But right when she was about to hit the rocks the elastic tightened and she shot back into the air. She flew past the cliff edge then hovered in the air for a moment before once again plummeting.

She continued doing this, bouncing up and down like a yo-yo until all of the bounce was gone and she was hanging limply by her belly, only a couple feet above the sharp rocks. Night had fallen and she was slowly turning in the darkness. She couldn't get free from the elastic and was stuck.

"Hello?" She called. "Any one up there?"

Tanith heard a chattering noise in the shadows and froze. "What was that?"

Rustling came from some nearby bushes and she looked closer. "Who is it?"

No answer.

"Oh! It's one of those guessing games."

Rustling.

"Skulduggery?"

Silence.

"Remus Crux?"

"He's dead!" Yelled a voice from behind a shrub.

"Well you could be his ghost!"

"Well I am not."

"China?"

"Nope."

"Valkyrie?"

"Nope."

"Madame Mist?"

"Why are you only guessing girl names?"

"Because you're voice sounds like a girl. Davina Marr?"

"No, she's dead too and I'm a guy!"

"Ghastly?"

"No."

"Dusk?"

"Nope."

"Sanguine?"

"No."

"Ghastly?"

"You already said him."

"Well I really want it to be him."

"Well I'm not."

"Fletcher?"

"Nope."

"Okay," Tanith said. "I give up. Who are you?"

"I." A figure stepped out from the bushes. "Am the Zombie King."

Tanith strained to see over her shoulder.

"Scapegrace?"

"Yep."

"But, you're a woman." She gasped. "Are you transgender?"

The woman, Scapegrace, glared. "No I am not. This is my temporary body for now. But seeing as you need help, I decided to assert my authority."

"What authority is that exactly?"

"As the Zombie King."

"But you aren't a zombie anymore."

"I am still the Killer Supreme."

"But the only people you actually killed was to make your little zombie horde. And that was only with a bite."

"I thought you were stupider than this."

"Shut your face."

"Well," Scapegrace said. "That wasn't very nice. I guess I'll just leave you alone here." He-she turned away.

"Wait!"

Scapegrace paused.

Tanith sighed and went limp again.

"Okay, fine. Just please help me down from here."

He-she grinned. "Good."

"So, what do I do?"

"Take out that sword of yours and cut the elastic so that you fall to the ground safely."

Silence. "Um, I'm not wearing my sword. It dug into my back when I tied the elastic on and hurt so I put it down next to the stake that keeps the elastic secure."

"Oh."

Silence.

"So what should I do now?"

"That was my only solution."

Quiet.

The Next Morning…..

Valkyrie and Skulduggery drove up to the cliff and parked.

"Okay," Valkyrie said as she got out of the car. "Tanith said that she wanted to do something up here yesterday then left. That was the last I saw her."

"And you _let _her leave?" Skulduggery said incredulously.

"Well I can't tell her 'no'. I'm not her mother."

"You should have asked her what she was planning to do on a cliff."

"She did leave with that box of stuff she used to 'shoot herself to the sun…'

Silence.

"This isn't good."

"No it is not."

They ran over to the edge of the cliff and saw piece of elastic with a stake holding it in the ground. Tanith's sword was next to it.

The two exchanged glances.

"Help," called a voice from the bottom of the cliff.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie peered over. Tanith hung from the end of the string of elastic, only a few feet above the ground. A woman sat next to her on the ground.

"Help," Tanith called.

"Help," the woman said.

Tanith sighed. "It's useless. No one's going to come."

"Yeah. Too bad I forgot how I even got down here. Otherwise I would have left already."

"What were you even doing down here?"

"I was looking for that idiot, Thrasher. He went wandering last night and never came back so I figured he got lost or something."

"He's pretty stupid isn't he?"

"Yes he is."

"Hey!"

The two looked up.

"What are you doing down there?" Valkyrie called.

"I was bungee jumping then couldn't get down."

"Oh."

"Help me!" The woman yelled, waving her arms.

"Who are you?" Skulduggery asked.

"Scapegrace," Tanith answered.

Silence.

Skulduggery spoke. "You're transgender?"

"No!"

Valkyrie frowned. "Then why are you a woman?"

"This is my temporary body until I can find a new one."

"Can you help us now?" Tanith asked.

"Sure," Skulduggery said. He flew down, picked up Tanith and flew her back up to the top of the cliff.

"Thanks!" Tanith said cheerfully then went and jumped again.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie face-palmed.

"Uh, can someone help me?" Scapegrace called.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie looked at each other. "Nah."

Scapegrace sagged.

Suddenly the elastic snapped as Tanith was at her highest. She plummeted and there was an awful 'THUD!' when she landed.

Two Hours Later…..

"Tanith, what are we going to do with you?" Skulduggery asked, shaking his head as he looked at Tanith lying in the hospital bed.

Tanith looked at Skulduggery. "Get me more ice cream?"


	9. Chapter 9: Tanith Goes Fishing

**I am back from vacation! I have sixteen bug bites on my back and countless others all over my body but I am back. Any way, I got this idea from the Simpsons Movie when we watched it on vacation. So enjoy! And don't forget to review! **

Tanith rowed the rental boat out to the middle of the lake, a big grin on her face. She had decided to take Valkyrie fishing that morning and had the perfect plan.

"Uh Tanith," Valkyrie was sitting at the very front of the boat with her legs pulled up to her chest. "How are we going to fish if we don't have any poles? Or bait?"

"Easy!" Tanith beamed and lifted up a bug zapper. "With this!"

Valkyrie frowned. "How are we going to fish with-"

Tanith dropped it in the lake.

Immediately there was a loud "ZAP!" and a bunch of fish floated up to the surface. Tanith beamed. She reached into the water to grab a fish and immediately yelped as she was shocked. She pulled the fish out and dropped it on the bottom of the METAL boat and both girls screamed as they were shocked.

On the shore, Skulduggery stood watching the girls on their boat. He had decided not to leave Valkyrie alone with Tanith when Tanith had an idea because it usually ended with someone in the care of Dr. Nye. Suddenly Skulduggery saw a bunch of fish float up to the surface of the lake. He cocked his head, confused. And then Tanith yelped as she grabbed a fish and threw it in the boat. Immediately both girls screamed and began hopping around.

This went on for a while, Skulduggery confused and wondering what was going on. Tanith continued to throw fish in the boat, each one resulting in a scream from both girls. Then Valkyrie grabbed the oars and began to row them back to the shore. Once they were on dry land again the two girls flopped onto the beach, doing a pretty good impression of a dead star fish.

Skulduggery walked over. "Are you guys okay?" He asked uncertainly.

"Yes," Tanith said.

"No," Valkyrie wheezed, lifting her head up. She spit up a mouthful of sand.

Tanith ran over to the boat. "LOOK!" She cheered.

Skulduggery walked over, Valkyrie hobbled. They looked over the edge and saw about thirty fried fish sitting in the bottom of the boat.

Tanith reached in and grabbed a fish then bit into it.

She screamed and went rigid then relaxed and continued gnawing on the fish. Then it happened again. And again. And again.

Skulduggery reached over and took the fish from Tanith. It zapped him and he yelped, dropping the fish. "WHAT DID YOU GUYS _DO _TO IT!?"

"Tanith caught them with a bug zapper," Valkyrie explained.

"So _that's _why a bunch of fish floated up," Skulduggery said. "I was wondering what caused that."

"Yep, it was Tanith's stupidity at work again." Valkyrie said as they watched Tanith bite into another fish, get zapped, fall into the boat and get electrocuted all over again.


	10. Chapter 10: Arctic Zone

**This chapter is dedicated to Anonymous Miki because it was their birthday! Please review!**

"Okay guys, I'm leaving for the Car Competition in Denmark!" Skulduggery called as he carried his suitcase out the door of his house to the waiting and, newly washed, Bentley.

Tanith and Valkyrie ran downstairs and paused in the door. "Bye Skulduggery!" Valkyrie called. "Don't worry about the house! I'll make sure Tanith doesn't bake anything!"

"You do that," Skulduggery nodded. "Remember, I'll be back in a week. Don't answer the phone unless it's someone you know and don't talk to strangers."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "We know. Well, I know. I'll make sure Tanith gets the message."

"Bye bye!" Tanith said. "Remember to bring me back a Danish!"

Skulduggery rolled the façade eyes then got in the Bentley and drove away.

Valkyrie and Tanith waved until he was gone then went back into the house, shutting and locking the door. Valkyrie sat down on the couch while Tanith went into the kitchen.

"Remember not to bake anything!" Valkyrie called as she turned the TV on. She began to flick through the channels lazily until she got to the show 'Outrageous Acts of Science,' she always made sure not to let Tanith watch it because she was afraid she would get an idea and try to duplicate it with disastrous consequences. It was about noon and Valkyrie was getting hungry so she got up and walked into the kitchen to find Tanith messing with an air conditioner.

She raised an eyebrow. "Tanith? What are you doing?"

Tanith looked up. "I'm doing what I've always wanted to do. Live in the Arctic."

Valkyrie stared. "What? How are you going to do that? It's not even winter yet."

The blond smiled. "Oh you'll see."

A few hours later, Valkyrie came back into the house after a walk to find it freezing cold.

"T-Tanith?" She chattered as she walked into the kitchen to find Tanith throwing ice cubes into a snow cone machine. The ice flakes fell like snow onto the floor, creating a large pile that already covered the entire kitchen.

Valkyrie hugged herself tightly. "T-Tanith, w-what are y-you doing?"

Tanith looked up. "Making snow! Since I couldn't to the Arctic, I brought the Arctic to me."

She stared. "Tanith, I-It's f-_freezing _in here."

"I _know_! Isn't it _great_?!"

"No, it's _cold_!"

"That's what's great about it!"

Valkyrie sighed and went off to find a blanket.

Later that night she woke up to noises outside. She had stocked up on blankets so she was under a mound and had to dig her way out of her bed. Once she was out she immediately began shivering again and hurried to the window.

Tanith stood out in the driveway talking to some men, the men didn't seem to be hurting her and Valkyrie was too cold and sleepy to care about what strange men were doing in the driveway at two thirty in the morning talking to her idiot friend.

When Valkyrie woke up the house, if it was possible, was even colder than the night before. She stumbled down the stairs, wrapped in a blanket and nearly slipping on the last step because of a thin layer of ice that coated the entire first floor of the house.

Valkyrie slid the rest of the way into the kitchen to find Tanith dressed in a snow parka, mittens, scarf and boots.

"Hi Valkyrie!" Tanith said brightly when she saw her sitting on the floor wrapped in her blanket shivering.

"H-hi," Valkyrie chattered.

"Here, put this on." Tanith gave her a set of snow clothes like hers.

"Thanks," Valkyrie said once she was dressed. At least she wasn't as cold as before.

The rest of the day was spent by Tanith adding more and more cold to the house. At one point, the electricity gave out because of all the air conditioners plugged in so Tanith snuck into one of the neighboring funeral parlors and plugged an extension cord into it so that they could steal the electricity.

Then the sun went down.

The cold was even worse at night. Not being at all heated by the sun, the 'snow' wasn't melting and the air conditioners were going full force. Even the snow parkas were beginning to fail.

Valkyrie's teeth were once again chattering as she hurried up to her room. She opened her door.

"SCREAM! TANITH, WHY IS THERE A WALRUS ON MY BED!?"

"BECAUSE IT ISN'T THE ARCTIC WITHOUT A WALRUS!" Was her response.

Valkyrie face-palmed then walked over to her bed, careful of the full-grown walrus sitting on her bed, and snatched a pillow and blanket then left the house.

She headed to the nearest house where she knew who the person living in it was and knocked.

Dusk opened the door and when he saw her raised an eyebrow.

"Tanith turned Skulduggery's house into the Arctic and put a walrus on my bed, can I sleep here?"

Dusk just sighed and let her in.

Valkyrie curled up in an armchair and fell asleep.

The next morning Dusk and Valkyrie ate cornflakes in silence.

"So, what about Tanith turning a house into the Arctic?" Dusk asked once they were sitting in the living room watching TV.

"Tanith decided that since Skulduggery's not home she could 'do what she always wanted to do.'

"And what is that?"

"Live in the Arctic."

"How does she do_ that_?"

"Lots and lots of air conditioners, snow cone machines and a neighbor's electricity."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

They watched some more TV then Dusk said that he wanted to see exactly what Tanith had accomplished so they walked the two blocks back to Skulduggery's house.

Once they arrived, Valkyrie put on her winter clothes. "Does the cold bother you?" She asked Dusk.

"Not especially."

"Good."

She opened the door and immediately was met by a blast of cold air. Valkyrie stared. Everything was coated in snow, with icicles hanging from the bookshelves and the fan and ice covered everything else.

Valkyrie took a tentative step forward, than feeling how slippery it was, skated across the room. "Tanith?" she called. "Where are you?"

She didn't get an answer and she frowned. "I hope the walrus didn't eat her," she said.

Some noises came from upstairs so Valkyrie went up to the second floor and found Tanith squealing and sliding down the hallway.

Dusk appeared behind Valkyrie and they stood watching Tanith for a few moments.

"Tanith?" Valkyrie called.

Tanith looked over. "Hey Val!" then she saw Dusk. "Psst, Val. Don't turn around, but there's a vampire behind you."

Valkyrie face-palmed. "He's with me."

Tanith's eyes widened. "Valkyrie! I thought you learned your lesson about having a vampire boyfriend."

Valkyrie glared daggers. "I'm not dating him and Caelan was never my boyfriend."

"Then why did you kiss him?"

"Grr….."

"Valkyrie and Caelan sitting in a tree," Tanith sang. "K-i-s-s-i-n-"

At this point Valkyrie lunged at Tanith.

Tanith cackled and moved out of the way. Valkyrie slipped on the ice and landed on her face. Dusk, bored after a few minutes, went wandering. He soon got to a door at the end of the hallway that had a big sign on it that said 'STAY OUT ESPECIALLY YOU FLETCHER' written on it in capital letters. Dusk raised an eyebrow and opened the door.

Only to come face to face with a full-grown walrus.

He looked at it. It looked at him.

"ROAR!" It said.

"Dusk!" Dusk turned to see Tanith and Valkyrie skating over. "Careful! You'll scare Kevin!"

"Kevin?"

"Yeah, that's his name."

"You _named _it?"

"Of course, how else would I know who he is?"

"Uh," Valkyrie said. "I don't know. Maybe Giant-Walrus-Sitting-On-My-Bed how about?"

Tanith snorted. "That's too long. I like Kevin, it's short and sweet."

Valkyrie just sighed and shook her head.

"Oh, by the way. My penguins are going to be arriving at any moment so don't scare them."

Valkyrie paled. "P-penguins?"

"Yeah, you don't like penguins?"

"I'M TERRIFIED OF THEM!"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE MY DAD DROPPED ME IN THE PENGUIN EXIBIT AS A BABY!"

"How was that?"

"Not fun."

"My dad had better not drop Alice or I'm going to kill him. My mom will dance on his grave after I finish with him."

"That's nice."

"Yes it is."

Just then the doorbell rang.

Valkyrie looked nervous as they went downstairs. Tanith opened the door to reveal a large crate with holes punched in them and a delivery man. She signed the paper then took the box and opened it with her sword to reveal seven baby penguins.

Valkyrie shrieked and climbed up Dusk to sit on his shoulder. "KILL THEM! KILL THEM! BEAT THEM WITH A STICK!"

Tanith glared. "I will not."

Valkyrie looked at the penguins suspiciously.

One looked her in the eye.

She shrieked again. "IT'S PLOTTING MY DEMISE!"

Tanith sighed then said cheerfully, "come on baby penguins! Let's go do something fun!"

With that she walked away, closely followed by the baby penguins.

"Want to stay at my house until Skulduggery gets back?"

"Yes please."

Dusk pealed her off his shoulder and put her on the ground then they left the house, leaving Tanith to her stupidness.

Five Days Later…..

Valkyrie and Dusk were sitting at Dusk's table talking when Valkyrie's phone rang. "Hello?"

Silence.

"Today?"

Silence.

"YES! FINALLY!"

Silence.

"She turned your house into the Arctic."

Silence.

"Yeah."

Silence.

"I'm at Dusk's house."

Silence.

"Yes that Dusk."

Silence.

"Yes I'm fine. I'd be safer here then with all those baby penguins."

Silence.

"Yeah, you heard me right."

Silence.

"I'll explain later."

Silence.

"Okay, see ya."

She hung up and cheered. "SKULDUGGERY'S COMING HOME TODAY AND I'M GETTING THE WALRUS OUT OF MY ROOM!"

"That's good."

"Yes. Yes it is."

Three Hours Later…

Dusk and Valkyrie stood in Skulduggery's front lawn while Skulduggery was pulling up in his 'precious.' "What did you mean Tanith turned my house into the Arctic?" Skulduggery asked as soon as he was out of the Bentley.

Valkyrie simply opened the door and Skulduggery's jaw fell off.

He made a wheezy noise and pointed at what used to be his living room, now was a snowy landscape. He picked his jaw back up and put it on with a loud 'crack.'

"TANITH LOW GET OUT HERE THIS INSTANT!"

Tanith skated out of the kitchen. "Hi guys!" She said.

"What did you do to my HOUSE?!" Skulduggery yelled.

"I turned it into the Arctic."

"_Why?"_

"Because I wanted to go to the Arctic but I couldn't do that so I brought the Arctic to me."

Skulduggery face-palmed. "Tanith," he said. "I want all of this out of my house within the next twenty-four hours. Starting now."

Tanith hung her head. "Okay." She turned back into the house. "What should I do with the walrus?"

"What walrus."

Suddenly they heard a loud 'crash' then a 'murrrrrrhhhhhh' noise came from the kitchen.

"Tanith," Skulduggery said. "Did you put a walrus in my house?"

"Maybe."

Just then the herd of baby penguins came into the room and stopped.

"Ohh…" Skulduggery said. "That's what you meant by baby penguins."

Valkyrie nodded, not taking her eyes off the penguins. "Yeah."

Skulduggery sighed. "Also get rid of the walrus and the penguins."

"Can I at least keep _one _penguin? _Please?"_

"Okay, fine."

"Yay!" She grabbed one of the penguins and hugged it. "I'll keep this one!"

"Fine. Now clean up this mess."

Three Days Later…

Everything was clean. All snow and ice were gone, snow cone maker destroyed and Skulduggery banned Tanith from his credit card use.

Valkyrie was huddled as far away from Tanith, who had the penguin in her lap, and was watching it suspiciously.

"I'm sorry the house smells like walrus," Tanith said to Skulduggery.

"Me too Tanith, me too," was all he said.

And from then on, Valkyrie locked her doors and window, afraid the penguin would kill her in her sleep


	11. Chapter 11: B&E

**This is a request from McAbbyGirl4Life! And if you want to find out where I got this idea, go to youtube and type in Dane Cook B&E in the search engine. Please review!**

"I want to do something," Tanith Low said to her boyfriend, Billy-Ray Sanguine one morning as they drank coffee in a 'borrowed' apartment.

Sanguine frowned, "You mean do something that normal, not murder couples do?"

Tanith shook her head, "No. I want to do something different."

"What do you want to do?"

The former good girl jumped to her feet, "I," she said. "Want to do a B&E." she planted one fist on a hip and pumped the other in the air, a huge grin on her face.

Sanguine went quiet, "But, usually that means no killing."

"We can pick a house that we know has people in it."

"Okay, deal."

That night the two pulled up in the white van they had 'borrowed' from in front of a bank.

"Man," Sanguine said as he parked. "It sure was hard to concentrate on hijacking this van with all those alarms going off. Do you think those bank people were throwing a party?"

Tanith shrugged, "Maybe."

They got out and began to walk down the sidewalk to the house they had picked and after a couple minutes of silence Sanguine began to talk. "Why," he asked. "Did we have to park sixteen freaking blocks away from the target again?"

"Because," Tanith answered. "I want the full B&E experience and that includes that afterwards we have to run through hedges and get our shirts caught on that one chain-link fence. You know, like in the movies."

Sanguine snorted, "You really have a weird sense of fun Honey bunny."

Tanith smiled, "No, it's because this body has an extremely low intelligence and that makes me quite stupid so don't be surprised if I do something that can only be described as 'stupid.'"

Sanguine smile dropped, "You didn't seem that stupid when you were punching me in the face all those times."

Tanith laughed, "That's because that was serious Tanith, when I'm just relaxing and not fighting I try to do some very odd things."

"What did you do?"

"I turned Skulduggery's yard into an Emu farm. Shush! We're here."

They snuck up to the door and, on the count of three, Tanith kicked the door down, alarms began to ring.

And then she stopped. She had just realized something. All she had wanted was to kick the door down.

So she ran to a closet and kicked _that _door down.

Sanguine was still behind her, extremely tense and seriously considering making a break for it. He frowned in confusion as she kicked a closet door down, it didn't even looked locked.

Tanith looked behind her at the Texan, "Let's bail."

"Okay," Sanguine began to run back down the path and Tanith was right on his heels.

They ran through hedges, even getting their shirts caught on a chain-link fence. Once they were back in the van, Sanguine grinned at Tanith. "Did that give you the full experience?"

Tanith had the tip of her tongue sticking out of her mouth and she seemed lost in thought. Her eyes flickered to something in the back of the van. "Be right back."

The next morning they were in the same apartment that they had 'borrowed' the day before and were watching the news. Suddenly the headline caught their attention.

"Turn it up," Sanguine said and Tanith pressed a button on the remote.

"Late last night," the reporter said. "A man was burglarized by an unknown assailant. Nothing was taken, the victim said. In fact, something was left."

The scene changed to the house they had attempted to burglarizes' living room. It was a normal living room with two couches, a coffee table, a TV and a ceiling fan with a yo-yo tied to one of the blades. "This yo-yo tied to the ceiling fan is the only piece of evidence police investigators have at the moment and-"

Sanguine turned to look at Tanith with a skeptical look on his face. "You left," he said slowly. "A yo-yo."

Tanith nodded, big smile on her face. "Yep!"


	12. Chapter 12: EMU!

Valkyrie hopped out of the Taxi and stopped.

A large ostrich like bird stood in Skulduggery's backyard; a rope was tied around its neck and attached to a metal rod. It turned its head to look at her and she slowly began to back away into the house.

Once she was safely inside, Valkyrie hurried over to Tanith, who was sitting on the couch watching TV. "Hi Val!" Tanith said cheerfully when she saw her friend.

"Um, what's with the ostrich in the yard?" Valkyrie asked nervously, the last time Tanith had gotten animals it was when she turned Skulduggery's house into the Arctic. It hadn't ended well.

Tanith cocked her head, "What's an ostrich?"

"You know a big flightless bird that runs REALLY fast?"

Tanith's eyes widened in disbelief, "I have a giant penguin in our yard?"

Valkyrie face-palmed, "No, an Ostrich is found in Africa and are WAY bigger than a penguin is."

"Oh, well what I do know that I have is an Emu," Tanith explained.

"An….. Emu?"

"Yep!" Tanith said cheerfully. "I'm starting an Emu farm."

Valkyrie stared then rubbed her eyes, then continued staring, "An Emu farm? Really?"

Tanith nodded.

Valkyrie sighed, "Whose credit card did you take this time?"

"Ghastly's."

*Face-palm*

"By the way," Tanith ignored the display of 'Really? What are you _thinking?'_ and continued to flip channels. "The other Emus and supplies should be arriving around noon so don't be surprised if a big truck comes into the yard."

Valkyrie walked away and went to the Sanctuary, just wanting some time away from the stupidness at Skulduggery's. Only to find the Sanctuary was just as bad with weirdness.

"Elders," Tipstaff said bowing in front of the Elder Mages, also known as Ghastly, Ravel and Madame Mist. "Detective Valkyrie Cain wishes to speak to you, do you agree."

Ghastly sighed irritably, "Yes, Tipstaff. We agree."

Ravel snorted, "I still don't know why we have to go through all of this boring crap just so that our friends can visit us. Well, not Mist she doesn't have friends."

Mist glared from behind her veil, "I beg to differ Grand Mage. I do have friends."

Ghastly scoffed, "Yeah, other than the weird Spider People you hang out with?"

This made both Ravel and Ghastly start laughing. Mist's glare turned into a Death Glare and Valkyrie was glad she wasn't with the two men that were on the receiving end.

Finally Madame Mist got up and glided away, sick of the other Mages laughing at her and her friend deficiency. Once she was gone Ravel and Ghastly turned back to Valkyrie and Tipstaff.

"Okay," Ravel said. "We're good."

Valkyrie went to step fully into the room but Tipstaff stopped her again. "Do the remaining Mages wish for Detective-"

"YES!" Ghastly and Erskine yelled.

Tipstaff yelped then composed himself and bowed, "As you wish."

He stepped aside and Valkyrie walked forward, "Hey guys."

"Just a second Valkyrie," Ravel said looking over at Tipstaff. "Tipstaff, could you do me a favor and move a little to the right?"

Tipstaff moved to the right.

"A little further."

He moved some more.

"Further."

*Scoot*

"Just a little bit more."

*Scoot*

Tipstaff was now standing in the hallway. A kickball hit him in the gut.

Ravel smiled, "Perfect."

Tipstaff wheezed and tipped over and a Cleaver ran over, picked up the ball, looked at Tipstaff then gave him a small kick and ran off to join the other Cleavers in their game of kickball.

Ravel sighed, "My life," he said dreamily. "Is amazing."

"Yes," Ghastly agreed. "Yes it is."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes, "You guys are weird."

"Yes," Ghastly said. "Yes we are."

She laughed and Ravel yelled at Tipstaff, "Hey Tipstaff!"

"Yes Grand Mage?" Tipstaff said, getting to his feet and brushing himself off.

"Can you turn forty degrees to your right?"

Tipstaff turned and immediately got hit in the face with another kickball.

This sent Ravel into another bout of laughter and made him spill the bowl of popcorn he had on his lap. Another Cleaver ran over and took the kickball then ran off again.

"Okay," Ravel said. "So Valkyrie, what are you doing here?"

Before she could answer a woman and Dr. Nye came in, Nye looking really annoyed and the woman yelling.

"Grand Mage," Nye said sounding very irritated. "May I please ask you to call the Cleavers to … _escort_ Miss Scapegrace out of here?"

"Hey, I am a man! I just am stuck in this body until I get a new one!" The woman, Scapegrace, yelled back crossing his/her arms over their chest.

Everyone ignored him/her and Ravel called on his trusty guard, "White Cleaver!"

The White Cleaver came in and looked at Ravel.

Ravel pointed, "Get rid of the annoying he/she and get me popcorn, I ran out."

The White Cleaver nodded, grabbed Scapegrace by the collar and began to drag the former zombie out the door who continued to protest and yell.

Once he was gone Ghastly went to ask Valkyrie something but was interrupted by Nye saying Ravel needed to have a check-up which ended with Ravel having a freak attack and running out of the room in terror.

Nye sighed, "Great," It said. "Now I need to hunt him down. It walked off after Ravel and Valkyrie just sighed, "I'm better off with the Emu."

She got back to Skulduggery's house and stopped. About fifty Emu were standing in Skulduggery's yard. Tanith had one on a leash and was leading it around.

"Uh Tanith," Valkyrie said as she picked her way through the Emu and over to Tanith. "Are you sure it's a good idea to have all these Emu here? Won't Skulduggery be mad when he sees all these birds?"

Tanith looked up, "Oh hi Val! This is Fluffy!"

The Emu she was leading around looked at her, Valkyrie moved behind Tanith.

"Don't worry! He doesn't bite," Tanith smiled.

"I know, he pecks."

Valkyrie sighed.

"And don't worry, I have a plan."

"What's that?"

Later that night…

Skulduggery, Valkyrie and Tanith were in the Sanctuary, they had just helped Nye hunt down Ravel so he could have his check-up. He was hiding under Ghastly's desk.

Now they were standing around the 'Throne Room' watching the TV they had set up so Ravel didn't get bored.

Suddenly the news turned on.

"Breaking News," the announcer said. "About fifty Emus have disrupted downtown traffic in Eastern Dublin and are heading towards the center of town. Residents are advised to stay in their homes and to avoid streets until Animal Control has a handle on the Emu Apocalypse."

Valkyrie turned very slowly to Tanith, "You," she said. "Released the Emus on the world."

"Yep!" Tanith said cheerfully. "I released them into their natural habitat to be with their own kind before Skulduggery came home. I told you I would take care of it."

"Emu aren't indigenous to this area."

"That's good they're indigestible, we don't want the land to eat them."

Valkyrie face-palmed, "Indigenous, as in their species does not belong to this area."

"Oh, so what happens now?"

"Wait," Skulduggery said. "What do you mean 'before Skulduggery gets home'?"

"I turned your yard into an Emu farm then released them into the world."

Skulduggery went quiet, "I thought I told you not to use my credit card."

"I didn't, I used Ghastly's."

Skulduggery didn't respond.


	13. Chapter 13: Indoor Swimming Pool

**Yes, I know I have seriously neglected this story. :'( Sorry about that. But I am still taking requests and to let you know, I have a new story! It is called 'Children of Criminals' and what happens is that Dusk and Sanguine are hired for a new job. But they bring someone else along. Their kids. Sanguine's son ends up getting a crush on Dusk's daughter and... well... read to see what happens!**

**Please review and check out that story as well! :)**

Tanith hummed happily as she carried the hose up from the fire hydrant and put it through one of the windows of Skulduggery's house. The other windows were set up in a similar way, water already pumping into the Skeleton Detective's home.

The blond grinned and began to hum as she turned on the hose she had just put in. Skulduggery was off with Valkyrie annoying their various enemies, leaving her in charge.

"And remember," Skulduggery had said before he had left that morning. "Do not do any experiments, stunts or any idiotic things that pop into that thick skulled head of yours. Capiche?"

"Capricorn!" Tanith beamed and Skulduggery shook his head and turned, only to get into a twenty minute argument about who was driving.

Tanith stepped back from the large house and stood proudly, looking at her achievement. After a few minutes, water began to drip out of the windows. She turned off the many places she was stealing water from then took off her clothes revealing her favorite bikini underneath.

She spent a moment adjusting it then, grinning like a psychotic maniac, raced to the nearest window and jumped in.

Only to hit glass a fall back to the ground with a loud "Oomph!"

She scowled and glared at the window then stood up and opened it. After sticking her arm in first, making sure there was nothing in the way, she jumped in.

Only to land on a desk. The Englishwoman sat up and lost her balance, falling into the flooded living room. Standing, the water came up to her chest. Skulduggery's belongings floated around her like pool floaties and Tanith was more than happy as she swam in her brand new indoor swimming pool.

She swam around the house, down hallways and up the stairs. A couch floated past and she climbed onto it, using a lamp to steer herself around the house. Tanith floated into the kitchen and she grabbed wildly at the fridge, nearly capsizing her boat and losing her oar in the process.

She opened up the fridge and sorted through it until she found the milk. Sipping the cartoon, she continued to happily swim. Until Valkyrie and Skulduggery got back.

Valkyrie scowled at her annoying partner as they walked up to his front door. "You have ego problems, admit it."

Skulduggery took out his keys. "Just admit it. You're just jealous because you don't have one."

"No, it's because almost every sentence out of your mouth is about how amazing you are."

"Well I only say it because it's all so true. I should make a list."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "I'd _love_ see _that," _she said sarcastically.

"Me too!" Skulduggery opened the door and immediately got blasted back twenty feet by a wall of water that took up the entire doorway.

Valkyrie stood, gaping from where she was standing safely off to the side. Skulduggery sat up slowly, water leaked out of his skull. "What the-? How did-?"

Tanith pooled out on the last bit of the wave, squealing.

Valkyrie sighed and shook her head. "That explains it."

"TANITH!" Skulduggery roared, standing up. He was dripping wet, his hat lay on the ground.

Tanith stood up smiling broadly. "Yes!"

"What did you do?!"

"I made an indoor swimming pool! Do you like it?"

"Indoor-? Oh!" Skulduggery began muttering things Valkyrie couldn't make out while pacing back and forth. Then he turned back. "No."

Tanith's smile dropped. "Oh."

"Wait," Valkyrie said. "You filled up Skulduggery's house with water then swam in it?"

"Yep!"

There was a bit of silence.

"I want to do that!"

"Okay!"


End file.
